We’ll Give You Something to Cry About

Everything is terrible.

 

1. Twenty-two percent of office coffee mugs contain fecal matter.

Coffee

You’re welcome.

 

2. If you can smell it, it’s literally inside your nose.

Puppy

We breathe in a litre of farts every day. Most of it our own. Not all of it.

 

3. You have face spiders.

Man Face

Actual creatures that live in your pores and eat dead skin and sebum. There are thousands of them. On you. Right now.

 

4. There’s a haunted Doll Island in Mexico.

Doll Creepy

Nope.

 

5. The world is running out of chocolate.

Chocolate

Our consumption is exceeding possible production. We only have ourselves to blame.

 

6. We get artificial vanilla flavour from beaver ass.

Beaver

Vanilla flavour? Nope! Ass flavour.

None of this will matter for long, however. You see…

 

7. There is an asteroid heading for Earth that could wipe out humanity.

Meteor

1950-DA has a 1 in 4000 chance of hitting us on 16 March, 2883.

 

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