6 Ways To Avoid Social Situations

It’s not personal.

1. Fake a Mild Allergy

Headache

Stuck at an unavoidable work-related party and need to bail before the compulsory karaoke begins? Explain to the host that you have a “sensitivity” that was triggered by something in the dip or one of their pets. Nobody questions an allergic reaction, and it requires little to no fake vomit.

2. Emergency Text from Your Landlord

Text hand

Oh no! Someone on the floor above you had a leak, and your super/landlord needs you to come home and inspect your ceiling for damage! Such a shame – you were having such a good time pretending to care about this baby shower.

3. Observe Non-Existent Religious Holidays

Pray

Make up something that sounds legit (ie: no animal sacrifices or ritual tattooing), and you’ve got your escape route. “Sorry, can’t make it to that housewarming thing on the 23rd because all the relatives will be gathering at Aunt Bea’s for Craminza Day dinner. It’s my turn to bring the jell-o this year, and my cousins are flying in, so…”  *shrug*

4. Underpants Problems

Toilet Paper

Generally, issues below the belt are to be used only when there are no other escape routes and shame is no longer a factor. Ladies know that invoking the P-word can get them out of almost any situation – men don’t want to talk about it further and other women know the score when it comes to the crimson tide and will be immediately sympathetic. But what about the dudes? Well fellas, the magic word here is diarrhea. It may be a last resort, but it works.

5. Become a Member

Team Club Member

Some people go to great lengths to have extra-curriculars that provide an escape. It’s entirely possible for all your racketball tournaments or astronomy club… uh… tournaments…  to coincidentally fall on the exact same dates as every engagement party you’re invited to.

6. Healthier-Than-Thou

Healthy

With any luck, they’ll stop inviting you out. Say in a condescendingly sweet tone:

I’m not really a ‘drinker’, but you guys go ahead.”
“Can’t make it after work, I’m meeting my new trainer who, like, really doesn’t let me slack off. (pause and close eyes) … It’s amazing.”
“I tend to avoid holiday parties, cookouts, and banquets. Large amounts of meat make me very uncomfortable.”
“Happy Birthday! Oh no, I’m not staying for cake. Sugar is basically poison.”
“Mad Men finale party at your place? Yeah, I don’t really ‘watch television’, so…”

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