6 Reasons Why Summer Is The Worst

Oh hey there, Summer! Fuck you!

1. The Heat. My God, the HEAT.

Grill BBQ

There is something truly horrific about actually looking forward to being at work, even if it’s only for the air conditioning. Waking up with sweat in our eyes and feeling the hot, rank breath of hell greet us every time we open our car doors is not enjoyable. Stationary humans don’t develop back sweat in reasonable temperatures. This is bullshit.

2. The Sun is a Raging Asshole


From 149,600,000 km away, the Sun has been trying to destroy you since the day you were born. It’s basically a giant exploding ball of death, and every moment we spend exposed to it we are being irradiated and slowly roasted in our own juices. The Sun also spends all day blasting our environment with heat, so that even after sunset the very roads and buildings in our cities continue to heat the air. The Sun is basically that guy who farts just before leaving the elevator, trapping us all inside while he laughs and laughs…

3. Summer Blockbuster Movies

Kid Mask

Remember when you were a kid, and every summer the greatest and most exciting movie ever conceived was hyped up with action figures, collectible tumblers, soundtracks, official sandwiches, endless commercials, signs and ads dominating your field of vision and haunting your every thought until you could no longer escape it and wanted to run screaming into traffic to make it all go away? Oh… they still do that? Hm. *twitch*

4. Almost Every Song About Summer Ever

Party Fun

Every song written about summer is designed to make you feel terrible about your life. The levels of fun, romance, and hotness described in summer party songs are completely unrealistic and unattainable. The sad truth is that most of us spend summer days drunk on warm Champale, cry-eating, back-sweating and listening to “Cruel Summer” on repeat, because it’s the only damn song that tells it like it is.

5. People on Vacation

People Vacation Dumb

If you are not the one on vacation, everyone who is on vacation can eat a bag of dicks. If you are on vacation, other tourists are at best an inconvenience and at worst an example of everything that is wrong with humankind. Take a look at the specimens in the next confused herd of mindless, matchy-shirt-wearing, little-blue-flag following, group-lunch-eating fucking tourists, and try not to set them all on fire with your mind.

6. Public Beaches

Beach Public

Gross. High population of Bros and rogue frisbees thrown at eyeball-level. Fucking sand fleas. Possible sharks. Definitely poop in the water, considering that no one ever seems to have to line up for the one bathroom at a public beach, despite eating hot dogs and watermelon all day.