6 Damn Serious Drinks

What the fuck even is a mixologist? Last time I checked, a real drink didn’t involve vanilla foam, agitated berries, or essence of anything. Who orders this? Why are you even drinking?? JUST HAVE CAKE AND STOP LYING TO YOURSELF.

Here are some real drinks for grownups.

1. Rocky Mountain Bear Fucker

Bear Guy

There are a few recipes out there for the good ol’ RMBF, but the one we think lives up to it’s name is 1 part Jack Daniels, 1 part Southern Comfort, 1 part Tequila, and a dash of Tabasco. We want to make a joke about pounding this one back, but we’re too classy for that shit.

2. Gin & Tonic


If you must dilute your alcohol, a G&T is a pretty good place to start. Gin has it’s own unique flavour, and that means you don’t need to add fucking berries, flower petals, glitter or whatever the fuck. Just let the booze live.

3. Whiskey

Whiskey Dragon

This one is a gimme. Whiskey varies in flavour on so many levels, there’s really one out there for everyone, so whether you want it to taste like brown sugar or an ashtray, whiskey’s got you covered. Perfectly acceptable as a back for a tall, cold…

4. Beer


But for god’s sake, put down the 48-flat of Crudweiser and Chokeanee and get yourself a real beer with a decent alcohol content and an actual flavour. Canadian & Czech beers are a great place to start.

5. Lime Margarita


A real, honest-to-goodness margarita with fresh lime juice, real tequila, and maybe – just maaaaaybe – a bit of agave nectar. This one won’t come in a 72oz styrofoam cup, and it won’t have been squeezed out of a can of pre-mixed sugar water. A taco chaser is recommended, because a real margarita will pack a punch. Speaking of mean green booze…

6. Absinthe

Green Booze

As fancy as it looks, absinthe is not to be fucked with. Real absinthe contains ingredients that have given it a reputation for being a near-psychadelic, and you don’t have to drink it with sugar & ice water if you don’t want to. The legend of the green fairy is known among the crazy-as-fuck artists & writers who used to drink absinthe to expand their creativity. It’s not cheap, but you don’t need much. Happy trails.