5 Gods That Are Planning Our Destruction

Let’s not get caught up in whos, hows or whys – the apocalypse is coming and we all know it. Here’s a list of just a few of the deities who have been itching to get a crack at us.

1. Zeus


It’s been a few thousand years since anyone gave Zeus his due, and you can bet the Greek badass has been keeping up with technology. When an EMP wipes out civilization, you can thank the Lord of Lightening bolts. He’s looking forward to sending us all back to the stone age.

2. Jörmungandr


He may not be a god, per se, but the Midgard Serpent Jörmungandr plays an important role in the eschatology of the old Norse religion. During Ragnarok, the great battle of the gods that ends the world, J-Money starts thrashing and writhing and tossing the seas around violently. When the oceans rise and the earth is slowly swallowed by the sea and we are all destroyed, you can thank the Midgard Serpent and his punchy pals for having a universe-ending barfight.

3. Jehovah


Often pictured as the white bearded all-father, Jehovah is more like a tax collector who just can’t wait for the day when he can call in what you owe. He’ll be asking everyone to form an orderly cue for judgement – right after the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse do their worst to all who dwell on this mortal plane. What a jerk.

4. Sekhmet


The Egyptian goddess Hathor is usually depicted as a gentle cow. But when humankind disappoints Hathor with our fuckery one too many times, she transforms into the Lion-headed Sekhmet, and destroys as many humans as possible while rivers run red with blood. To calm her down, Ra has to create a river of beer and get her drunk until she turns back into Hathor. Basically if we keep screwing around and behaving like a bunch of dicks, Sekhmet is going to show up and read us until someone gets her a damn drink.

5. Kali


I don’t think we need to explain this one much. Kali wears a necklace of skulls and a belt of limbs, for crying out loud. She may be benevolent half the time, but the other half of her personality is pure destruction. No apocalypse necessary – the first chance Kali gets, she’s going to fuck us all up.