10 People You Hate On Social Media

Shut Up Shut Up Shut Up Shut Up Shut Up.

1. The Over-Sharer

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It’s never just been limited to Instagrams of every meal or copious amounts of selfies in unremarkable places. The Over-Sharer also gives daily updates of morning routines and daily schedules, levels of hunger, unsolicited health & wellness updates, posts that begin with ‘For those who have been asking’ (no one has been asking), and a news ticker of mental debris that seemingly has nowhere else to go, but must apparently be shared with literally the entire world. Deleted.

2.  The Peacock

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While the Over-Sharer seems to lack self respect, The Peacock posts updates, images, and links that only betray their staggering lack of self confidence. One minute it’s images of pumping iron and posing like a baller next to (someone else’s) luxury cars, the next minute it’s fake crying pics, bad photoshopping, or the infamous “took a selfie while I was asleep with makeup on #flawless”. We see you, Peacock.

3. The Drama Queen

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Related to the Over-Sharer, the Drama Queen takes him/herself way too seriously and thrives on the emotional gratification of social networking. Scrolling through a Drama Queen’s wall, you’ll see attention-seeking self-help memes, vaguebooky, emotional dead-end posts designed to trigger responses of “emotional support”, and of course a bunch of Jerry Springer-esque accusations, declarations, and histrionics about how hard it is to be them. Can’t. Nope. Done.

4. The Luddite

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This is the person who doesn’t know how to take off their caps lock. The person who types their search criteria into their status bar. The commenter on your video who doesn’t know how to post on your wall but wanted to ask you about something totally un-related. The one who posts their phone number in public groups. The one who insists they don’t receive messages but want to know why the red flag on their screen keeps counting up. These people shouldn’t be allowed to use computers. Sorry, grandma.

5. The Humble-Bragger

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NBD, but omg I feel SO #blessed to be me. SO #humbled by everyone telling me how amazing I am. You guys, I’m just SO #lucky to have SO many amazing friends and SUCH an amazing life. Also #Iwokeuplikethis. #humble #grateful #amaziiiiing #barf

6. The Breeder

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Parents are strong, parents are patient, children are miracles, blah blah blah. But for the love of god, STOP posting pictures of your baby bump every day, STOP giving us medical updates that we don’t need to be part of, STOP posting pictures of your child and their whereabouts every hour on the hour. It’s not true that social networking is the best way to get pictures to friends & relatives – that’s what clouds and online drives are for. Just staaaaaaaahp.

7. The Stuffed Animal People

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You know them. They have a profile for their stuffy, their doll, their mascot – whatever. Ok, so they take cute pictures of the thing on vacation or pretending to eat people food. But like… are we supposed to interact with it? Do we treat it like a person? Accuse it of photoshopping pictures of itself, or demand to know it’s relationship status? When we see these people in real life, is it rude not to ask about the stuffy? What happens now? What’s the endgame of an adult who speaks and socializes on behalf of a stuffed animal?

8. The Downer

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Gloom and doom, finger wagging, bandwagon-jumping, shit-shovelling cousins of the Drama Queen. We are all for people who know their shit espousing wisdom on their subjects of study, but the Downer is often that person who will link to and shout about pretty much every horrible story in the news in order to maintain an air of superiority, shaking their head and scolding humanity for doing what they obviously have been against all this time. The Downer is also the commenter who only points out grammatical errors and semantic details when engaging in “intelligent debate” on whatever flame war they started. Downers and Drama Queens feed each other, and can often be found stroking each other’s egos.

9. The Spoiler

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Two words, Spoilers. Fuck. Off. We don’t care that you got your hands on tonight’s episode early and we don’t want to know what you totally knew was going to happen and when you say “I don’t want to give anything away but…” you are giving everything away. SHUT UP.

10. The Stalker

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This person likes 36 of your photos from 4 years ago at 2am on a Wednesday night. This person may have blocked you (Drama Queen, is that you?) and then created a fake profile to keep an eye on you. This person sends you a “poke” every day, often with a clever message like, “Poke!”. This person has RSVP’d to every event and invite that you are remotely involved in. This person is the reason why you turned off location services and check-ins. This person is why the internet is creepy AF.

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